My space

Been a rough week, went to visit dad last weekend and he kept talking about how this could be our last visit, I know he has been expecting to die since he was 60 but at 85 he can't have a lot of time.  About 30 minutes after I arrived he wanted to show me his room then of course he grabbed me and put his hands on my breasts and between my legs and I just wanted to go home, I am so glad my nephew was around all weekend.  He asked me if I minded when someone touches my breasts, I said "heck yeah, you're the only one who does that" and he responded "and I have no right".  Of course he has no right, I let it drop but by the end of the weekend he was saying that he wasn't going to be calling me 3 times a day anymore cause he knew that it wasn't wrong and he can't live here and I won't move there.  It was a rather uncomfortable weekend.  Then when I got home on Monday I called to let him know I was home and he said he was ashamed of himself and knew that my mom would be ashamed of him too, for the way he's been acting with me.  Then he proceeded to say he needed to go get his own place and stuff like that and I felt he was trying to make me feel guilty for rejecting him.  Since then he's only called once and he was not friendly at all, not out right mean but sounded resentful or something.  This is the similar to what he did to me as a kid when I would forcefully reject him and tell him to leave me alone he'd get mean, and treat me like I disgusted him kind of "barking" at me and treating me like a rejected lover.  I know I am responsible for my feelings and I don't feel bad about me but I think I should just stay away from him because he obviously can't accept me as his daughter and not his girlfriend.  It is so weird.  The voices in my head started to pop up over the weekend and a bit since I've been home, I know it is stress, panic attacks and I know they pass but they disrupt everything.  Earlier I had the tv on and the people talking all sounded like they had like rocks in their mouths or something in their mouths affecting their speech, it's creepy; and then when I started to fall asleep the mimicking voices were in my head and causes the hand gestures too, no wonder I've been up since 3 a.m.

 

One year ago today my sweet little Tasha went on to Rainbow Bridge, I miss my baby girl a lot!  Peaches is great but she's not a cuddler and she sheds....there will never be anyone like Miss Tasha Sue.  I will go to her website.

 

Got my new coffee table yesterday but there was no hardware to put it together! argghhhhh  They are supposed to send it next week.  Finally got the chair for my bedroom and I love love love it!  It is perfect for the space and so very comfortable.  Now if I could just get someone to come pick up the old oversized chair and coffee table, they are in the guest room and the room looks like a storage room, I hate that.

 

S sent me a gift basket of flowering tea for my 1 year sobriety birthday! along with a glass teapot and warmer, it is so cool!  and the tea tastes fantastic.  We talked on the phone a little earlier and she compared a love a tea to a love of wine, I don't think she understands alcoholism at all but her heart is definetly in the right place.  I have 3 wonderful sisters and we are all so very very different.

 

THe tea is starting to relax me so maybe I can get some sleep now.

 

Good night my sweet baby Tasha, I love you, I know you and mom are watching over me and I won't disappoint.  Good night God, thank you for my life, my strenght, God bless L and family keep the safe, happy and healthy.  I love you God.

I've been rather off lately, remembering what I did a year ago and fearing that it could happen again.  Today a man in my office came to speak to me about health issues he is having, I handle insurance and he's talked about these things in the past.  His job entails manual labor and he is on his feet all day long, he is 63 or 64 years old and has serious back/hip/leg problems.  His doctor has told him he needs to stop working as his body is "worn out", he can't afford to not work and wants to work for at least another year then retire.  We discussed the possiblity of disabilty pay and how it works and having had back surgery myself we talked about that.  He then proceeded to tell me that he has been having lots of suicidal thoughts, and told me some in detail.  Several people in his immediate family committed suicide, he believe it is against God's will but he can't stop the thoughts.  We talked I told him a little of my suicide attempt and how I am eternally greatful that God chose to wake me up, I referred him to my psychiatrist as he said he's called several and they can't see him for 6 months.  We talked quite a long time and then I gave him a hug and told him to come by anytime and I'd make time for him.  Well I freaked out!  I started hearing the voices in my head again and felt like I was in a tunnel and the walls were closing in me it was awful!  I went into my boss's office and closed the door and told him about it, and I calmed down.  The best part is, I have found at least a part of my purpose!!!  If sharing my story with just one person helps that person then I've done GOOD!  I felt really great this afternoon!  I did something for another human! Once I realized I may have helped this guy the voices stopped, the walls went back to where they belong I can breathe!!!!  Life is awesome.  Thank you God for giving me this opportunity!

It's been almost a year since I tried to kill myself and I'm seeing some of the same patterns as last year.  Last summer I quit eating, I couldnt sleep, and I had no desire to do anything.  This year I have no desire to eat but I'm making myself eat but again I can't sleep and I just want to be left alone.  When the sleeplessness started last summer I got on Ambien and that made me sleep great but also gave me suicidal thoughts so no Ambien this year.  I just wish I could fall asleep at night!  I'm not drinking this year either so I'm not really worried that I'll be suicidal but I didn't know I was really suicidal last year.  Yes I had suicidal thoughts but I would not (or thought I wouldn't) act on them, I just got so tired last year and wanted to sleep forever and it was brought on by lack of sleep and alcohol.  I'm so tired but as soon as I lay down something itches, or aches, or I get hot.  I want to sleep at night when I 'm supposed to! 

Is the heat what is making me so tired and down?  Over a 100 degrees every day for the past 2 weeks it's getting rather sickening.  Yesterday was the 1st of August, last August I tried to kill myself...I'm afraid I will get so down again.  At least I'm not drinking now so I think more rationally, I cannot let myself get so depressed.  I am feeling a bit lonely but I'm just not ready to be with people outside of work.  Will I ever be ready? Or will I spend the rest of my life truly alone?  I like being alone but everything in the world is geared toward companionship and couples so I think I should have that but I don't want it.  What to do.  I fear dating because it may make me want to drink and I can't go there.  I have 11 months of sobriety!!!! Yeah me!!  Perhaps when I have 11 YEARS of sobriety I'll be comfortable with that fact? 

I know I need to start eating again, perhaps when the weather cools off I'll have an appetite.  Cooking for 1 is just such a waste especially when I don't like the taste and absolutely despise the taste of leftovers.

Sitting here is too hot.

Peach has serious ear infections and she hates it when I have to clean and treat them, poor baby.  The vet made me look at those ears and it was so gross!  Hope she gets better soon,.

Dad hasn't had a good week, the 6 month anniversary of mom's death and he just doesn't feel well.  He was going to go to Mass to see Ed but then Linda, Pete, and Shar were going to go at the same time and he doesn't like a lot of people around, they just don't get that.  I'm looking forward to spending my 1 year anniversary with him at the end of the month. 

I slept for 4-5 hours this afternoon so not sure if I'll be able to sleep tonight.

I rearranged my pantry and ordered some roll out drawers today, I'm hoping that having a functional pantry will inspire me to eat.  I am weird I really dig organization, maybe if I can't sleep tonight I'll find something else to reorganize.